The Paris syndrome
Living the dream, proceed with caution
Hello! This fall has been busy. I am happy to return to writing this letter. To those of you who have been with me since I started this project in April 2024, thank you! I appreciate your readership. It means so much to me that Iām still welcome in your inbox. For those of you who have joined me recently, welcome š
The Loneliness Economy newsletter š» We talk about relationships, dating, building community, and the economy that has been built around the human experience of loneliness.
Have you heard of the Paris Syndrome? š«š·
Itās when tourists experience extreme disappointment when their romanticized expectations of Paris don't match reality. Symptoms can include anxiety, delusions, dizziness, sweating, and in some cases, even hallucinations or a feeling of persecution.
This is a real thing.
Japanese psychiatrist, Dr. Hiroaki Ota, coined the term in the 1980s. He was working in Paris and noticed the reactions of many Japanese tourists. While itās not a formally recognized condition, the Japanese Embassy in Paris has been briefed to provide support for those traveling to the French capital.
One of the greatest life skills Iāve come to appreciate as an adult is managing expectations. There are those couple of years in your 20s when you leave your parentsā home (maybe graduate from university) and youāre struck by disillusionment. Life hits you hard, as do the realities of paying bills, finding an apartment in a big city, living far from your friends, and basically contending with the meaning of life.
Adulthood is the ghetto, yāall. š©
Todayās letter is about my Paris story and what it feels like to live out your dreams.
The reason that I live in Paris today is because of an amazing professor from my freshman year at Syracuse University. Dr. Janis Mayes introduced me to James Baldwin, Richard Wright, Edwidge Danticat, and Jean Toomer (she also reintroduced me to Toni Morrison, my single favorite author). Participating in Dr. Mayesā Paris Noir Summer Study Abroad Program afforded me my first opportunity to travel to Europe. We studied the breadth of the African diaspora as it relates to the United States and beyond, with particular attention to the writers of the Harlem Renaissance who had a deep connection with Paris in the 1920s and 30s.
After that summer I knew Iād make my way back here, to the point where one of my mentors at the time would tell me that I wanted to go to Paris the way other people wanted to breathe air. The question became how and when.
I found this video application Iād recorded on campus to win a Keds grant to pursue my dreams. I won the grant, which funded my first attempt to make it back to Paris. Manifesting at its finest! That wind thoughā¦
The Middlebury Language School plot did not work out but I wound up taking French classes at the Alliance FranƧaise on the Upper East Side in New York. Six months later, I moved to France to become an au pair1 and I havenāt left since.
Fun Fact: I met Kehinde Wiley during one of my French classes (before his Obama portrait fame), coincidentally at the height of my art heaux phase and I took this as a sign from the universe to continue the French adventure I was on.
This may sound silly, but I had believed that everything that existed in the U.S. would also exist in France, but just āØFrenchāØ. I also thought Iād be free from my misguided expectations and malaise with capitalism and the economy.
This was wrong.
France is its own thing (shaped by 1,500 years of history and social movements), just as the United States has hundreds of years under its belt. France, like every other nation, is shaped by its history and people, who forge the identity of what it means to be French.
My first year in Paris felt like a reverse gap year. I went from working 40+ hour weeks in NYC to 28-hour weeks hanging out with a 6-year-old who became my cheffe de la grammaire franƧaise.
After learning French in about nine months (thanks to la petite ĆlĆ©onore and my gracious host family), I pursued a masterās degree in Production Audiovisuelle the following year and began working in international documentary distribution, pitching and selling media rights for a European broadcaster.
I had made it to gainful employment, I had integrated, I was working in French in my chosen career path, I wasnāt living in a chambre de bonne, I made regular trips to the market and had a preferred boulangerie2, primeur3, and boucher4.
I had essentially achieved my dream.
This was wrong.
Have you heard of the hedonic treadmill?
Coined by psychologists Philip Brickman and Donald T. Campbell in 1971, the hedonic treadmill is the idea that people quickly return to their usual level of happiness after experiencing good or bad events. This means that seeking more pleasure doesnāt lead to lasting happiness because we adapt to changes over time.
Once you achieve one goal, your happiness fades, and you want something else to desire. This mentality can hold you hostage and is inflated by consumerism, social media, and capitalism.
The pandemic and other life events taught me that I needed to do some inner work to battle hustle culture and generational trauma, and basically figure out how to live life on my own terms (to uncover meaningful work).
I adopted a few passion projects and hobbies and Iāve since been in search of my gifts ā the things Iām passionate about and uniquely positioned to contribute to the world.
I moved to France for the language, the cinema, the late summer sunsets at 10 p.m., the pastries, and the vibes.
Iāve stayed all these years for the freedom, the charm, the healthcare, the quality of life, and the chance to simply be instead of constantly do (though thatās still a work in progress, as my American-born restlessness knows no bounds).
This is partially wrong.
Truth be told, Paris is a challenging city.
While America is said to be a āmelting potā of cultures and identities, France is more of a āmosaicā of sorts. There is diversity here, but the French national identity holds more affinity.
My āØdreamāØ was to feel at home in Paris. I embraced shame-based learning and it was highly effective. I would cringe if my accent gave me away as an American, so I perfected it. I integrated.
This mastery earned me praise, as I didnāt sound ātooā American, but it eventually led to its own sense of isolation, creating a double identity in the way I existed in certain spaces.
There was a distinct French Whitney and an American Whitney.
See: code-switching
This felt wrong.
Suddenly, I wanted to be one complete person. So, Iāve been cultivating this multi-layered yet single existence in Paris, and it has been truly rewarding.
Iāve discovered that Iām a creator, a storyteller, a community builder, a writer, a lover of Pilates, a traveler, a romance enthusiast, a generalist, and a humanist.
Iām a learned individualist and a practicing collectivist.5
Love, relationships, and community are at the heart of it all.
So what happens when you achieve your dreams?
You need a new dream.
Mourn the things you thought you wanted. Evolve and grow. There will be growing pains, and itās hard, but self-discovery is a blessing.You hopefully figure out the meaning of a life well lived.
Start connecting the dots between all the different phases of your life. Understand your trauma and the things that truly matter. When you reach the end of your life, what will have truly mattered?Learn, Earn, Return.
A friend shared this concept with me and it resonates. If weāre lucky enough to live this long, a fulfilling life would model this mantra in three phases.
Learn: Continuously acquiring knowledge, skills, and experiences throughout life. This is the process of personal growth and education, whether formal or informal.
Earn: Using the knowledge and skills gained to generate success, wealth, or value. This phase emphasizes contributing to society, building a career, and achieving personal goals.
Return: Giving back to the community or society. This could take the form of philanthropy, mentoring, social entrepreneurship, or contributing to causes that benefit others.
Thatās all for today!
Iām currently reading a book Iād like to share with you all in an upcoming letter. Itās making me feel things. Stay tuned.
The Loneliness Economy newsletter š»
Thanks for reading! Itās a fun practice for me to write to gather my thoughts on these topics. Share with a friend if youāve found my words interesting or helpful. Comment below if you have anything to add.
An au pair is a young person, aged 17 to 30, who lives with a local host family. They learn the family's language and culture in exchange for a place to stay and some pocket money.
Bakery
Fresh produce
Butcher
As someone now living in Paris after so much time back and forth, I related to this on many levels. This is my first time hearing of Paris syndrome and I had no idea people were feeling the disappointment to this extreme, but I get it. Paris is over romanticized.
Given your study abroad experience, are you excited about the Paris Noir exhibit at Pompidou? Would love to read your take on it when itās open to the public!