Stop dating broke guys
In November 2023, Keke Palmer made news after security footage was released showing a violent altercation between her and her ex-boyfriend, Darius Jackson. Also in November, Keke filed a restraining order and a petition for full custody of their infant son.
Earlier that year, Darius had publicly shamed her for wearing a sheer dress to an Usher concert in Las Vegas where she was serenaded by the pop star.
“It’s the outfit tho.. you a mom,” tweeted Darius in July 2023.
The cracks in their relationship and subsequent abuse were made public and have since been dissected in many a Hollywood think piece (Glamour compiled a comprehensive relationship timeline to paint the full picture), and the YouTube algorithm sent me Manifestelle’s video essay titled Stop dating broke guys.
Let’s get into it…
Elle Ray, or
, as she’s known on YouTube, is the host of the Spoiled Girlie Support Group podcast where she shares her thoughts on trending topics to her 192k subscribers. She tells women not to “get mad” about living in a patriarchal society, but instead to “get paid” (Elle’s tagline: ✨get that bag + secure your own bag✨).I shared this video with my partner and a few friends and it sparked some controversy so today’s newsletter is a tldw (too long didn’t watch) recap of Elle’s video and some of my thoughts on the ideas shared.
An aside
I’m fascinated by the evolution of gender roles, dating, romance, and contemporary relationships. Feminism (A social theory or political movement arguing that legal and social restrictions on women must be removed in order to bring about equality of both sexes in all aspects of public and private life) has disrupted “traditional” values, and both men and women are struggling to navigate varying expectations of the opposite sex (also applicable in same sex relationships). Everyone has an opinion and there are fewer and fewer uniting principals we can all agree to. I aim to create space for discussion via The Loneliness Economy newsletter and in my everyday life. It’s okay to agree, to disagree, and to agree to disagree. It’s also okay to not know or for your opinion to change and evolve.
TLDW (too long, didn’t watch): Stop dating broke guys
Elle makes 3 main points: she defines the patriarchy, she explains “broke men,” and she tells women how to deal with “broke men”
Defining the patriarchy
Elle defines the patriarchy as a world where both men and women are subject to “men’s games.” A man’s self-worth is based on his financial success (or “materials”) and a woman’s self-worth is based on her appearance (or beauty).
According to Elle’s definition:
Women are used as tools by men in their games with other men. (2:22)
Everyone loves a man with money and everyone loves a woman with beauty. Not everyone can have or access those things. (8:15)
The patriarchy’s emphasis on male success and domination means that men are highly pressured to acquire resources, women, and respect from other men, and men who are not successful do not gain resources, women, or respect from other men. (12:12)
Men compete for women in the free dating market. Women should expand their choices and stop dating within monopolies so that men will have to compete, thus providing better service to women, resulting in men being better partners to women overall. (9:30)
Explaining “broke men”
Elle elaborated that being “broke” goes deeper than not having money. It means that as a man, you have failed in the system of the patriarchy, built by men to begin with.
If a man does not have respect from other men, they are broken. (12:41)
A man who does not have the respect of other men does not respect himself and he does not respect you (a woman). (13:00)
The respect of other men weighs heavily on men. The lack of male respect breaks down a man and results in him being broken. Broke men are broken men. (13:59)
Broken behavior is not exclusive to broke men. Rich men can be broken. All men can be broken. Being a broke man is a huge risk factor in brokenness. Being broke is a symptom of a man’s brokenness. (17:29)
Advice for women
Elle’s pro tip here is to “avoid broke men like the plague.”
Being in a relationship with a broke man, who is also a broken man, is not safe for you (women) physically, emotionally, and mentally. (14:28)
No man who likes himself would ever hurt women. (RE Keke Palmer’s ex-boyfriend) (16:20)
When women hate men, women avoid men. When men hate women, they seek out women, they access them, and they hurt them. (16:44)
Only date men with a purpose, a mission, and a vision, and a materialization of that purpose, mission, and vision. Date only men with materials. (14:43)
Here’s the full video if you’re curious.
Okay, let’s debrief
There’s a lot to unpack.
The thing about this content is that it taps into the core fears of a lot of women today.
In the past, women had fewer choices and made the most of any given situation. Times have changed and women are choosing not to be in relationships, not to have children, and simply not to engage with men for various reasons.
For those who choose to put themselves out there to find a long-term partnership, the stakes are high, especially if children are involved. As a woman, you would presumably be tied to the father of your child for life, even if things don’t work out. To that point, this is Keke Palmer’s situation entirely.
There are a few conversations to be had:
Not your parent’s economy
Times have changed and the economic situation of the millennial generation (today’s 28-43 year olds) has been turbulent. From the 2008 financial crisis, the pandemic, and rising mortgage rates, stability has not been easy to come by. I don’t know that gender is really a determining factor, but a lot of young people are not in the same economic reality as their parents were at the same age. No one wants to be broke or be with a partner without means, but money or materials isn’t the only consideration. I very much agree with a mission, a vision, and a purpose though, because that’s free.99.
The Internet v. Reality
From my observations, a lot of people are comparing and contrasting their lives to those of people they’ve never met. “Broke” can be a relative term. 18% of the American population earns 6-figures and the global percentage of “high earners” is likely much lower. I think it’s important to feel good about the money you make, and that the money you make aligns with your lifestyle and lifestyle goals.
Gender Roles and Expectations
Traditional values are seemingly not as popular today as they once were and with globalization and social media, we’re free to pick and choose what works and what doesn’t. There will be an inherent clash of traditionalism and modernism and people will be upset. I personally think the two can coexist if two people are on the same page with their values and have the patience to figure it out. If either person may not have worked through their own feelings and thoughts surrounding the gender stereotypes they’ve have inherited, there could be trouble.
Iterations of Feminism
The 2010s “girlboss” movement saw the aspirational feminist in positions of power amongst the boy’s club and the 2020s “soft life” era feels like women are tired and want peace from the noise of hustle culture. Whatever works for you, I guess? There will always be a societal version of “success” and a personal version as defined by our continuous growth and maturity. Men and women should be able to work this out on their own without judgment. If the goal is equality, the right to choose how we want to live our lives is the most powerful (yet disruptive) tool we’ve got.
Decorum
My partner called Elle the “female version of Andrew Tate.” 🫠 He didn’t appreciate this video, to say the least. I think some valid points were made, but I have to admit that the tone and delivery of the message do not necessarily invite conversation or reflection, as much as it creates a sense of fear and division between men and women on these topics. Women are not objects, only to be valued for their beauty, and men are not worth only as much as the paycheck they can bring home. Having productive and clarifying conversations is easier when we can see people as individuals and interact with curiosity, respect, and non-judgment.
One more thing
Sabrina Carpenter just released her second single from her highly anticipated new album, Short n' Sweet, titled “Please, Please, Please”. She writes some of my favorite pop music these days. In this song she’s begging her boyfriend not to embarrass her, emphasizing how a woman’s reputation can be so easily unraveled by association. It’s a bop.
The Loneliness Economy newsletter 🌻
Thanks for reading! It’s a fun practice for me to write to gather my thoughts on these topics. Share with a friend if you’ve found my words interesting or helpful. Comment below if you have anything to add.
I like manifestelle. She makes valid points at times but overall her channel isn't exactly for me, so I am not attracted to many of her videos. In my life partnership, there are grey areas. We really fill in the gaps for each other whether it's a skill one's lacking that the other has, or a particular period in one's life where one needs additional support, or even help doing a chore lol.