Social media, role models, & parasocial relationships
How do you know what you know?
Welcome to The Loneliness Economy newsletter 🌻 We talk about relationships, dating, building community, and the economy that has been built around the human experience of loneliness.
As a child, I learned the Biblical story of the Tower of Babel from the book of Genesis (11:1-9). It tells that at a point in time, we were all once unified by a common language. When people attempted to build a tower to reach the heavens, God found this act prideful, and in response, decided to “confuse their language” so that they would no longer understand each other. The people were scattered across the earth, and the city became known as Babel (meaning “confusion”).
This well-known story has inspired many works of literature, art, and philosophy throughout history (including one of my favorite films, Alejandro G. Iñárritu’s 2006 epic, Babel). It has many interpretations. There are themes of pride, ambition, divine power, mortal limitations, order, and confusion.
Our modern-day “Babel” is social media.
The first social networking site arrived in 1997 with Six Degrees, followed by Friendster (2002), MySpace (2003), LinkedIn (2003), and Facebook (2004). The platforms began to replace or supplement 1:1 connections like phone calls, email, and AOL Instant Messenger (also launched in 1997). These collective spaces were revolutionary. They brought mankind together like many could not have imagined years before (the Internet itself was born in 1993, mind you). Today’s iterations live up to the promise of global connectivity, uniting people across vast distances and diverse cultures, yet not necessarily for the better. You can’t have the good without the bad, I suppose. Social media has done its fair share of good — what would we have done to cope with the pandemic without live updates, support groups, and cat videos?
Human ambition to constantly improve and outdo ourselves has led to a version of a “social network” some would call overreaching, resulting in a loss of privacy, mental health issues, and misinformation. In this analogy, the algorithms are the modern divinity or higher power. They are unseen forces that shape our experiences, influence behavior, and dictate what content is seen. People are confused and unaware of how their perspectives and points of view are being manipulated or exploited.
As I write a newsletter about the loneliness economy, community, and relationships, I’d be remiss if I didn’t say a word or two about social media — a contributing factor to loneliness, impacting several serious societal issues (namely mental health,1 misinformation / fake news,2 and cyber bullying3).
Sharing my thoughts:
Internet culture and confusion
How do you know what you know? The Internet makes it harder and less relevant to find out.
I came across a thread the other day about common expressions we don’t fully understand and it’s interesting how many of us hold to these aphorisms without the full picture (myself included). It’s like playing the telephone game across generations. Here are a few (the exact origins of some of these sayings are disputed):
“Blood is thicker than water”
Misunderstood Meaning: Family relationships are more important and stronger than friendships or other relationships.
Original Saying (disputed): “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb,” meaning that the bonds formed by choice, like friendships, can be stronger than those of family.
“Great minds think alike”
Misunderstood Meaning: Smart people often come to the same conclusions.
Original Saying: “Great minds think alike, but fools seldom differ,” meaning that great minds may think similarly, but it doesn't mean that similarity of thought always signifies intelligence — fools often agree too.“Money is the root of all evil”
Misunderstood Meaning: Money itself is the cause of all evil actions.
Original Saying: “The love of money is the root of all kinds of evil,” (From the Bible - 1 Timothy 6:10) meaning that it's the excessive desire or greed for money, not money itself, that leads to evil.
Let’s take this game of telephone and add the Internet. A 2016 Columbia University and the French National Institute study showed that 59 percent of links shared on social media have never actually been clicked (meaning that they were shared without being read).
If your basis of knowledge is information you haven’t verified and don’t know to be true, how do you know what you know?
Passive consumption undermines critical thinking. When you rely on the Internet, popular opinion, or other people to form your thoughts, you become more susceptible to manipulation, confusion, and influence. At scale, this habit is alarming and actively works to degrade the depth and quality of our relationships and our ability to make rational decisions.
Role models and influence
The concept of a “role model” is flawed. Be inspired by real people in your life.
I’ve always found it strange when celebrities (particularly those with young fans) are shamed for disappointing behavior and for not acting as proper “role models.” I would ask myself: As a parent, why encourage your child to look up to strangers they will never meet a day in their life and likely have very little in common with? Even if a particular celebrity is from your neighborhood or has the same hobbies, they’re at such a distance that you’ll only ever see a curated image of their life and experience.
Parasocial relationships are one-sided interactions where one person extends emotional energy, interest, and time towards someone who is largely unaware of their existence.
This feels normal when thinking about our favorite book or movie characters. We live vicariously through their experiences and can learn from their mistakes. We can be transported to a new world and understand life from a fresh perspective. This feels completely bizarre when thinking about real people who happen to have jobs that put them in the spotlight (whether they are chasing this spotlight or not). These people are not fictitious, but they’re also not real in a tangible sense.
When we see someone online, we might feel as though we know them, but in reality, we don’t. Our minds often fill in the gaps with our imaginations, projections, and biases. We may celebrate an idealized version of them, yet it's all too easy to turn against and dehumanize them when they fail to meet our expectations.
What if our “role models” weren't celebrities or influencers created to market a product or lifestyle, but rather the everyday people in our lives who are complex, authentic, and multi-dimensional? These are individuals we can talk to, learn their stories, and understand how they navigate life. They help us recognize our own potential and explore what life has to offer. When these role models face challenges or disappoint us, it's part of the real, messy journey of life, and it ultimately enriches what we’ve learned from them. More of this, please.
You are what you eat
You reflect what you consume. “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with,” (Jim Rohn) but pretend that social media is a person.
The music you listen to, the shows you watch, the books you read, the food you eat, and the people you associate with all reflect aspects of who you are. These inputs shape how you think and interact with loved ones and strangers. This also extends to the content you consume on social media.
Spending time with positive and varied content can enhance your mindset. Conversely, if your social media experience is confined to echo chambers where everyone shares your views and looks like you, opportunities for growth will be limited.
Like with friendships, your social media platforms and the content you follow should challenge and broaden your perspective. They should act as a kind of advisory board, introducing you to diverse viewpoints and ideas that challenge your thinking, rather than reinforcing what you already believe.
One more thing
Noah Lyles. I’m a fan of his unshakable confidence and fortitude in the sport of Track and Field. He is officially the “fastest man in the world” after taking home the Olympic gold medal in the 100m dash in the 2024 Paris Games. I appreciate what he shared about role models and being inspired by others.
The Loneliness Economy newsletter 🌻
Thanks for reading! It’s a fun practice for me to write to gather my thoughts on these topics. Share with a friend if you’ve found my words interesting or helpful. Comment below if you have anything to add.
The rate of depression has surged by 70% over the past 25 years, with studies showing that the constant exposure to curated, often idealized images and the pressure to gain approval (e.g., through “likes”) negatively affect mental well-being (Harvard School of Public Health) (Consumer Notice, LLC).
A study found that only 15% of the most habitual social media users were responsible for sharing up to 40% of fake news. These users often post content indiscriminately due to habit-forming reward systems like likes and shares, rather than considering the accuracy of what they share. This behavior is not necessarily influenced by political bias or lack of critical thinking; it’s more about the addictive nature of these platforms (Yale Insights) (USC Today).
Nearly 29% of teens report that they experience bullying or social pressure online. This harassment has been linked to increased rates of anxiety, depression, and even suicidal thoughts among young users (Consumer Notice, LLC).